More than words

Every single day i've people checking if im fine. how im feeling and making sure i'm occupied.
I couldnt tell them i'm not. I didnt want them to worry, even if they do they wouldnt understand how it felt to lose a sibling.
It's not a friend, it's my brother.

I realize i tend to push people away whenever they're being too nice.
I just pushed my bff away for no reasonable reason and ive not been speaking to her since that day.
Guess i havent been taking my tolerance level in control lately.

& then im always feeling bad and i think back, have i been giving you what other sisters would shower their own brother?
I haven't. Havent been giving you the best.
Which sister doesnt give birthday gifts to her own brother
who doesnt give in yet expect you to accept my way
who doesnt respect you and then trusting you has also been an issue
who is selfish
who only know how to raise her voice at the slightest thing
who is lazy to reply you at times, the effort you made to speak to me yet i cant even be bothered to just talk.to.you..
not knowing it would kill me this much that i've completely lost you now.
It almost felt like i push you away myself.
I've been horrible isn't it ?

It was your 7th day yesterday, so I left you a note on my study table, did you see it?
It's just 3-word, but it carries thousands of words i didnt dare to speak to anyone.
Ive been mind-talking to you but i guess they aint loud enough to reach you huh.
If i cant have you here physically, could i at least earn our sister-brother telepathy?

I MISS YOU.